Quitting self-help

I've quit self-help for "Dateline"

Have you ever thought about who in your life or vague zone of influence might end up being featured on the TV show Dateline? I have. People recount behavior of loved ones that to them sounds harmless or merely neurotic and what do I hear? Keith Morrison’s voice recounting the things that WEREN’T ACTUALLY HARMLESS that led to bad things happening to nice people.

Occasionally, people tell me about the dynamics between certain couples they know, and I’m mentally already writing the Dateline episode. Not every couple’s stories warrant this level of creative investment, but some are practically begging for it. A PSA feels in order based on one such real-life dynamic shared with me: Doing things like religiously tracking and COMMENTING on every movement—such as how well they parked—of a partner is not normal behavior. Best case, it’s highly neurotic. Worst case, well, you know what we’re talking about here.

I personally know a few people who have a very loose relationship with things like “the truth” and who delight in seeing what they can get away with. Manipulation seems to be one of their favorite hobbies, right along with fabricating events that didn’t happen like they say or convincing you of their innocence in the same breath that they’ve shared something demonstrably untrue. My qualifications for speaking with authority about such things come from nearly marrying one particular guy who stood out for his excellence at these endeavors.

By even acknowledging my interest in Dateline, I’m sure I’m precluding myself from any future jury service and I frankly find that disappointing. Despite my interest in true crime, I am positive I’d be the heroic, reasonable, and wonderfully unbiased jury member, much like Henry Fonda’s character in the black-and-white classic 12 Angry Men. What a show! What acting! What a low budget! I don’t know that for a fact, but it doesn’t seem like a stretch given that most of the movie takes place in a single room.

Another black-and-white I watched recently is Gaslight. By its title, you can probably guess that it’s a documentary about the adoption of electricity in the United States. Actually, no, it’s not! It’s a light and fluffy movie about a guy who makes his wife question reality by gradually convincing her she’s insane. This movie had to be the closest thing the 1940s had to the veritable Library of Congress of true crime and suspense shows we have these days. What the movie lacked in special effects, it made up for in suspense. Toward the end, I was burrowed into the most comfortable couch you’ve ever met (mine), pausing the movie every several seconds so I could squeal out loud and regain my courage to keep going.

My experiences with these movies and so many more things have me thinking—very likely overthinking—about the therapeutic benefit of just living, versus thinking about living. The circular logic and potential hypocrisy of me critiquing a common tendency for overthinking is not lost on me.

Activities like counseling and reading self-help and journaling are good and serve a purpose in moderation, but guess what’s been way more fun and surprisingly helpful for me these past couple years? Pickleball, improv classes, talking to strangers, traveling to new places, listening to Dateline podcast episodes, eating out alone, discovering new and old movies, finding cool rocks, discovering which candy I like best—Charleston Chew Minis. These can be found at illustrious places like Walmart and gas stations.

The self-help books I used to consume have largely been ditched for the sorts of novels I know I like, and tons of books about subjects I inexplicably find interesting. Currently, I’m reading Anthony Trollope’s 1875 novel, The Way We Live Now, and The Blind Side by Michael Lewis. The latter book about football left tackles, evolutions in the game of football in general, and Michael Oher specifically is causing me to lose sleep. In the best way. Can someone could please tell me why ON EARTH I’m so taken with baseball and football stories and what I’m supposed to do about this proclivity? That would be very helpful.

Somewhere along the line after my big shift out of corporate and letting go things like “comfort” and “security,” I got bored of trying to get all the answers or fix myself. As it turns out, it’s way more fun and interesting to just be who I am. And figure out more of who I am and what my dreams are and how I might contribute in this world with some of that good ol’ trying stuff. This is the methodology where you try stuff and you either get the buzzer or bell sound: “EEERRRR. Nope, don’t like this this!” or “DING DING DING! I like this!” I’ve gotten so many more answers and had more cool discoveries just by leaning into life.

Photo caption: Here’s me in 2023 getting answers by A) Wandering in the cold, B) Not trying to get my answers in the very place where Greek philosophers the likes of Socrates and Plato and Neptune walked, and C) Learning about important things like the practice of ostracism¹ in which all the Athenian men got together and voted who to banish from Athens for, oh, TEN YEARS.

It’s not always easy to live this way, since somewhere in a land far, far away (otherwise known as Waco, Texas) and approximately twelve years ago, a movement was started. This movement along with others somehow spread beyond home remodels and got us collectively super interested in endlessly perfecting ourselves inside and out. And each other. And talking about it. It’s like we’ve all become houses on the show Fixer Upper and we’ve forgotten to just appreciate the houses we and others already are. Maybe even enjoy living in it, you know?

Analyzing is a habit that dies hard for some people but DEFINITELY NOT ME. But even though I’ve never been known to analyze, if we end up talking, there is a possibility that we may end up digressing into therapy- or self-help talk. It’s everywhere and I don’t know that we’re all that much better off for it. Some very famous philosopher probably once said: “To be human is to overanalyze.” We can’t NOT think about and talk about life as we live it. But hopefully we can catch ourselves before very long of it, and instead go to Walmart for our favorite candy to eat while we play pickleball, and talk about Dateline while we do both. That’ll be fun.

Before we go, important questions I’d love to know from you:

1. Do you know anyone you think might end up on Dateline? Tell me more!

2. Do you overanalyze? Why or why not?

Isn’t life cool, sometimes weird, and aren’t people interesting? See you in the next one…

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1. I prefer to share the potentially questionable information I manage to remember from small plaques at historical sites. But here’s what The Internet says about ostracism if you’re into that sort of thing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ostracism.