"Are You Doing This for Me, or for You?"
The birthday dinner scavenger hunt, the pure generosity of kids, and the gifts we all really want—belief, understanding, being seen for who we are.
It was, I think, my 22nd birthday, and I was four things I don’t like to be on any day, much less a birthday. I was cold, hungry, uncomfortable, and late to an event. My boyfriend, let’s call him Chad, had thoughtfully planned a memorable birthday night, and even though the execution didn’t quite land, I found his effort sweet. I think. In my wiser age, I also wonder if said birthday was more for him than it was for me.
It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing. It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving. (Mother Theresa)
Just like it was more for me than him, when I took care of him after bunion surgery. I spent many precious college student dollars—mine, not ones I’d stolen from another college kid—on all kinds of gourmet foods and take-out during his recovery. His surgery was part of a pain management clinical trial in which participants were randomized and given either narcotic pain medication or ibuprofen. I’m really hoping there wasn’t a third, control group in which participants were given only a placebo with no pain-managing effect.
Back to my “generous” care-taking. Yes, I wanted to take good care of my guy, but I remember feeling disappointed about his reaction, and thought he should have been more grateful. And that’s how I know I did it for me. He probably would’ve been happier had I brought him Chicken in a Biskit crackers and watched Nacho Libre on repeat with him.
For my birthday, Chad had coordinated a dinner scavenger hunt with my then-boss. Chad had purchased ingredients for pizza—even then pizza was one of my love languages—and had Paul distribute them to willing neighbors in his neighborhood. Then Chad surprised me by driving me to a “random” neighborhood, and telling me that we were going to go door-to-door to see what ingredients we could get to make my birthday dinner.
Keep in mind that this was in a suburb of Salt Lake City, in December. It was cold. And I was dressed in fancy clothes and I’m sure uncomfortable shoes because a) Chad told me to dress nice for a surprise later that night, and b) I did not know I’d be winter foraging for dinner. I rather adored this boyfriend, but still remember the pathetic feeling I had begging food from strangers for my birthday dinner—even when it became clear that they were in on the scheme. Their reactions of pity made it clear that they were very glad to not be the ones scavenging for their dinner.
This boss was one of my favorites, but it was nonetheless awkward to be cooking in his kitchen, with his family around, and to feel so on display—on my birthday. The whole dinner episode actually felt awkward for everyone involved, except maybe Chad. Memorable, yes, but memorable isn’t always a good thing. Gum grafts and other miserable dental procedures are also technically memorable.
Everything had taken longer than planned, and Christmas traffic and finding parking downtown made us late to my first viewing of The Nutcracker ballet. Did I enjoy it? I think so, and I did genuinely appreciate the effort Chad had put into celebrating my birthday. But did he plan it because he thought I would love it, or because he thought it would make me love him more? Is it something I would’ve picked for myself? The Nutcracker, maybe. Begging my dinner off strangers, making it at an unfamiliar home, and being cold, hungry, uncomfortable, and late? No.
All this raises the question in gift giving: do we give to get love, or to give it? Do we sometimes over-give to earn worth, relationship reassurance, or approval?
Several years ago, and for her 40th birthday, Will Smith surprised Jada Pinkett Smith with an elaborate surprise birthday bash. Given their celebrity status, you can imagine this wasn’t a couple dozen friends surprising her at a local pizza joint with balloons and a Costco cake. Nope. It sounds like, as a party, it ended up being wildly successful on the surface. But for their relationship, it was an important disaster.
I hired a documentary team. I traced Mommy’s family roots. Her 40th birthday was going to be my thing,” Smith explained. “It was going to be a splash. Mary J. Blige performed. I debuted the film. It was gonna be the thing that lifted her out of this midlife crisis. It was gonna be my deepest, most beautiful proclamation of love.”
Pinkett Smith, 47, reached her breaking point after the party, when she told Smith to cancel their plans for the next day. “She’s like, ‘It’s my birthday!’ She told me that the party was the most ridiculous display of my ego. Crushed, right? To this day I know I was crushed because it was true. It wasn’t a party for her.1
Will Smith later shared that he was like “the little boy that wants mommy to say everything was wonderful.”2 The party was tone-deaf; the party that was supposed to be all about her wasn’t about her at all, but about pretending things were all right between them (they weren’t).
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It turns out most people are smart enough to discern the intention behind a gift. Maybe this is why the generosity of kids is so dear. They don’t say or do or give more than is honest. We don’t have any expectations for their generosity, and goodness knows they don’t either, which makes whatever they give an honest expression of love.
They have no agenda, no relationship dynamics at play, just pure love. Like when my cousin’s 11-year-old son gave me a fidget toy he’d 3D-printed: “I want you to have it.” Or when my 4-year-old niece gave my dad one of her stuffed animals because she wanted him to have it. Or my then-boyfriend’s 7-year-old son who gave me this note—unprompted and unaided by his dad.
Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love. (Leo Buscaglia)
But it’s not just kids who can give so open-heartedly. My mom gave me a red bag for perhaps my 28th birthday. Red isn’t my color, and it wasn’t necessarily a bag I would’ve picked out for myself. But it remains one of my favorite gifts I’ve ever received. When I thanked my mom over the phone for the bag, she told me that she thought I might need something for future business trips I’d be taking.
Mom and I didn’t (still don’t) talk much about my entrepreneurial aspirations, and she doesn’t remotely share them. But she knew I had (still have) big dreams, and this gift showed such dear acknowledgement of who I was—not who she thought I should be—and her quiet belief that of course I’d make my dreams happen. And aren’t those the sorts of gifts we all want most—to be seen for who we are, believed in, supported, and celebrated without pretense?
I’d take those any day over being spoiled. Especially if said spoiling includes being cold, hungry, uncomfortable, and late.
P.S. My gift-giving ain’t perfect, and I regret to inform you that a pernicious expectation of gratitude can still creep in at times. But I’m trying harder to give what is honest to the relationship, to give what I can financially and emotionally afford, and what I hope the recipients will honestly enjoy.
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https://people.com/movies/jada-pinkett-smith-slammed-40th-birthday-party-as-display-of-will-smith-ego/
https://www.newsweek.com/will-smith-40th-birthday-party-jada-pinkett-smith-low-point-marriage-1695387
I remember that story from Will's biography! So fascinating what we do to feel loved. And even though it's irritating to watch someone give a gift from their ego, it can also move me to compassion to realize that we all just do it to feel more love.
My then serious boyfriend, now husband, drove me 6 hours from my city to his, to present me with a newer subaru which he had placed a giant red bow on top of. He'd seen this happen as a teen and always wanted to be able to do it for someone special. It WAS a. romantic feature and we have been happily married for 13 years (together for 15)
Oh, did I mention we met online when I was 50 and he was 60? We commuted 6 hours between 3 states for a year on weekends. Thus the newer subaru to drive on Montana , Wyoming and south Dakota winter roads.